Melbourne

What does the Melbourne Football Club stand for, really?  They haven’t won a flag since Bert Newton was a boy and their last Brownlow medallist was Shane Woewoden (last seen hanging out the back of a Collingwood pack before fading into obscurity even faster than Jason Akermanis).  And possibly one of the hardest questions doing the rounds at parents’ quiz nights is “name the captain of the Melbourne Football Club”.  Say what you like about the Gold Coast Suns, 99.99% of Australians can name its captain. (By the way, I think the answer is Russell “The Entertainer” Robertson: Lover first, Singer second, Dancer third and Captain fourth).

The Dees are in the grip of Aussie Rules’ greatest identity crisis.

It wasn’t always this way.  The Dees have a proud and long history of being the toff’s team, catering to the Melbourne elite. A warm and loving home to wealthy white Anglo Saxon Protestants from Melbourne’s Eastern suburbs and Victoria’s Western grazing districts, the Dees gave Melbourne’s WASPs a place to discuss Liberal Party ideology and Range Rover servicing costs.  But does Melbourne “elite” actually exist anymore?  Anyone with a pulse can get financing for a Range Rover these days – in fact, Chris in the Sopranos drove one.  Was he a Demons fan? I doubt it.  And their president is not only not from Melbourne, he’s an Irish Catholic! How could a man you can’t even smuggle into the Melbourne Club become the president of the Melbourne Football Club?

But all is not lost.  It seems John Howard is having trouble getting a gig with the International Cricket Association – apparently those on the Sub-Continent aren’t huge fans of his right wing ideology and dog whistling racism.   But surely these are the types of values that once made Melbourne FC great.  It’s time for the Dees to get back to their elitist grass roots and decide who will become members of the Melbourne Football Club and the manner in which they arrive.  Why should Hawthorn be the only club with an unemployable ex- Liberal leader at the helm?  I can guarantee that if the Dees asked him, Howard would jump at the chance.  Just don’t ever ask him to kick a footy – apparently he bowls better than he kicks.