Geelong

It’s a funny thing Tough Love.  Done right, and it can yield great results, forcing the one you love to do things they’re not comfortable with in order to make them a better person (for an example, think of Alex Fevola convincing the Fev that the only chance of saving their marriage was if he learnt to Samba on Dancing with the Stars).  Done wrong, and, well, it’s basically one person saying hurtful things to another (for an example, think of Grant Hackett coming home from the races to tell his wife she’s not such a hot piano player).  Tough Love requires tact, sensitivity and resolve – not ordinarily the life-skills attributed to footy clubs (for an example, think of any incident involving a pissed footballer who has been forced to apologised “to anyone who may have been offended by my actions” before lining up again that Saturday).

Back in 2006 Geelong was at a cross-roads.  The club had a great list but continued to miss out on premiership success (just like every other decade since Darryl Somers was a young boy).  Desperate for ideas, the club’s board and administrators decided that Tough Love was what was needed.  With a firm but loving touch, a blowtorch was applied to not only the Geelong playing group but the coaching staff as well.  Gary Ablett Junior was told that his mates thought he was selfish and only playing for himself.  The coach, Mark ‘Bomber’ Thompson, was told he had a stupid nickname and only one more year to turn things around before he’d be run out of town.  The result?  Over the next three years the Cats won two flags and the respect of the entire competition.

So, I hear you ask, why don’t the rest of the competition use tough love?  Why don’t the Blues tell Ratten the giant headphones he wears on the bench look ridiculous?  Why don’t the Bombers tell Kyle Reimers that it’s probably enough to just let footy do the talking when you’re on the field?  And couldn’t someone, just once, tell Steve Milne not to be such a bad bloke?  The answer is pretty simple – Tough Love comes at a big cost.  Fast-forward a few years from their year of emotional honesty, and both Ablett and Thompson left the Cats in fairly unsentimental fashion, Thompson in particular still hurting from the barb about his nickname. Sure the Cats went on to win a flag without Thompson or Ablett, but you get the feeling their era of dominance is over.  Which is just as well, because if we’re being honest current coach Chris Scott seems a little too smug for someone who just lucked into a well-disciplined side, Paul Chapman seems a bit over it and Joel Selwood may have a lot of talents, but standing up in a tackle isn’t one of them.  I say all of this with nothing but love.  

Senior Coach:

Chris Scott

Assistant Coaches:

Dale Amos

Blake Caracella

Nigel Lappin

James Rahilly

VFL Coach:

Matthew Knights

Academy Coach:

Paul Hood

Development Coach:

Max Rooke 

Fremantle

Sacking a coach is never easy.  It takes tact, time and diplomacy.  You have to consult with the players, the rest of the coaching staff, the board and also take on board what the members want.  Then there’s the Fremantle way: just hire a new coach while the old one is on holidays.

So it is that Fremantle enter season 2012 without the very likeable Mark Harvey, in favour of the far less likeable Ross Lyon.  What we know of Ross Lyon after his time as coach of St Kilda is the following:

• He likes to be very boring in press conferences;
• He likes his football to be as boring as his press conferences;
• His players like to date school girls;
• His players like to take nude photos of each other;
• His players are happy enough just to turn up to grand finals.

With a record like that it is hard to see why Fremantle didn’t try and poach him sooner.

Since moving to Fremantle, Lyon has surrounded himself with brand-name assistant coaches such as Michael Prior, Simon Lloyd and Mark Stone, who are no doubt ‘kind of a big thing’ around the Fremantle Footy club.  One assistant who stands out is dual premiership forward Peter Sumich who some may remember for gifting Collingwood a grand final in 1990 when he missed a shot at goal from 2 meters out – an act punishable by death in most states but not, apparently, in Western Australia. 

So how are Lyon and his band of assistants travelling?  After 9 rounds last season, under the likeable Mark Harvey, Fremantle had won 5 games, lost 3 and had 1 bye.  Under Ross Lyon Fremantle has managed 5 wins and 4 losses, which is probably not the return the board would be after, having set fire to a whole heap of good will in sacking a really, really likeable guy who still had a year to run on his contract.  But Fremantle and Lyon have a bond that ties them in their love of astute recruiting.  Champion players Andrew McLeod, Matthew Lloyd and Scott Lucas were all passed over in Fremantle’s infancy, with the club instead trading for the likes of Tony Delaney (28 games for Fremantle), Chris Groom (seven) and Todd Ridley (21).  In 2010 Lyon let Luke Ball go to Collingwood for free and traded the Saints first round pick for Andrew Lovett who played an impressive zero games for the Sainters. 

So time still has to wait to tell the full story of the marriage between Ross Lyon and Freo.  One thing is for sure, the rest of the AFL’s clubs will be looking carefully at Freo’s leftovers during trade week.

Senior Coach:          Ross Lyon

Assistant Coach:      Michael Prior

Assistant Coach:      Peter Sumich

Assistant Coach:      Simon Lloyd

Stoppages Coach:    Mark Stone

Essendon

It wasn’t that long ago that the Bombers were coached by a cranky old guy who thought he was God (Sheedy, not Demetriou).  Spending more of his life in the coaches box than most people spend in bed, it looked as though nobody would be able to fill the massive shoes left by Sheeds.  And, as it turned out, Matthew Knights proved the point.  But then the heavens opened and the voice of God gently spoke: And He said unto the AFL “I think I’ll back the Bombers for a while”.  Which, as it turned out, wasn’t such great news for the Cats.

If you are a Bombers fan, looking into the coaches box would make you feel as though all your Christmases had come at once.  Firstly, the patron saint of Essendon himself, St Hird, sits proudly on the throne that seems to have been his as a birth right.  And for his disciples he has had more than a bit of divine intervention. One man who ascended with him to the coaches box is so ingrained in the Essendon Football Club that the name “Bomber” is permanently tattooed between his other monikers of “Mark” and “Thompson”.  And Bomber knows a little bit about on field success.  Add to the mix yet another favourite premiership son in Sean Wellman and you have the sort of coaching panel that would make any self-respecting Demons fan weep and curse the Gods.

But are they any good?  Well I guess it all depends on how you measure success.  Does winning 7 out of 8 games with only one elite midfielder make you good?  Maybe, but it still doesn’t make you likeable – and that is the good news for lovers of both decency and the AFL.  James Hird still appears as the impossibly privileged smug prat he was as a player and Mark Thompson continues to ooze all the warmth and character of a dead fish.  In short, now more than ever, it is OK to hate the Bombers.  And you can thank God for that.

Here's God having a little laugh at James Hird 

James Hird	Senior Coach
Mark Thompson	Senior Assistant Coach
Sean Wellman	Assistant Coach
Simon Goodwin	Assistant Coach
Matthew Egan	Assistant Coach
James Byrne	Development Coach
Rick Ladson	Development Coach

Collingwood

Succession plans are funny things.  The Murdoch family is one of the richest in Australia and control the world’s largest media empire.  They are no doubt very smart, well educated people.  They have no doubt turned their thinking prowess to the issue of a succession plan.  The result?  Every week a different Murdoch is appointed as the new heir to the throne, before a massive family bust up takes them back to square one. 

So if a family as rich and smart as the Murdoch clan can’t work out a succession plan, what hope for the Collingwood Football Club? A short history of Collingwood’s planning goes something like this:

• Eddie and Joffa meet for some drinks.  They both agree the Pies are great.  They really liked winning the Flag in 2010.
• After a couple more drinks they think it would be awesome if Bucks was coach and if Bucks coached the Pies to a Flag.  Eddie keeps poking Joffa in the ribs and saying “Just imagine it! Just imagine it!”
• To prove it’s not just the piss talking, Eddie sends Mick Malthouse a text at 4am saying “Need to chat tomorrow.  Got a great idea for the future.  Go Pies!!!”.  He then texts Bucks “Got a big surprise for you!!!”, which isn’t the first time he’s sent that text to Bucks.
• Slightly hung-over, the meeting with Malthouse doesn’t go exactly as Eddie had planned.  Suddenly saying, out loud, “Can you lead us to another Flag then step down as coach for Nathan” sounds a bit silly.  And by the look on Mick’s face Eddie knew he had to think fast to save the situation. 
• Using all his skills as a game-show host Eddie gets the meeting back on track by adding “And we’ll make you Director of Coaching for 3 years” and then, under his breath, “whatever the f@#$ that means”.  Keen to end the meeting and get back to reading his book of Buddhist quotes, Mick says OK.
• After losing the 2011 grand final, Malthouse thinks, not unreasonably, “do I really want to hang around here for 3 years with Eddie?”.  He resigns as Director of Coaching (whatever the f@#$ that is) the next day.

So it is that the Pies enter 2012 without their coach of the last 200 years, headed instead by a coach with as much coaching experience as Joffa.  But, as Eddie may well have said when he accepted the Chanel 9 CEO gig, who needs experience when you’ve got money?  And to keep Nathan company the Pies hired a coaching panel that looks like the starting line up for the EJ Whitten Legends Game.  The result?  Too early to call at this stage, but 4 wins for 2 losses is not a bad result.  If Bucks keeps this up he might be nearly as successful as Eddie was as CEO of 9.

Nathan Buckley	Senior Coach
Rodney Eade	Football and Coaching Strategist
Matthew Lappin	Assistant Coach - Forwards
Robert Harvey	Assistant Coach - Midfield
Ben Hart	Assistant Coach - Backline
Tarkyn Lockyer	VFL Coach
Craig McRae	Development Manager
Mitch Hahn	Development Coach - Forwards
Dale Tapping	Development Coach - Midfield
Anthony Rocca	Development Coach - Backline
John Barnes	Ruck Coach

Carlton

At the end of 2002 the Carlton Football Club pulled off a massive coaching coup in drafting in Denis Pagan from North Melbourne to replace out-of-favour coach Wayne Brittain.  It was the last magic trick of embattled president John Elliot, who lost the Presidency shortly after the AFL dared to question Carlton’s premiership winning tactic of rorting the salary cap.  What ensued was great hilarity for any AFL follower not a Carlton fan, as the Blues took out a five year lease agreement on the bottom end of the ladder.

Enter ‘The Dog’ (AKA Fraser Brown).  Not a man known for his subtlety, The Dog didn’t like what he saw down at Carlton.  In fact so outraged was The Dog, that in mid-2007 he offered to pay out Pagan’s contract himself (no doubt from the bags of cash handed to him under the table by Mr Elliot).  And The Dog’s suggested replacement? “I’ll be accused of bunking up a mate”, said The Dog “but Ratts would run rings around most blokes you could name.” Brett Ratten, with a full 6 months experience as assistant coach to the leagues cellar-dwellers and best friend of The Dog.  The man who wore glasses when he first became assistant coach in a bid to look smarter.   Sure, that’ll work.

Ah, well, it sort of did.  The Blues are now even cocky enough to declare a top four spot this season.  So what did The Dog see in Ratts that no one else could?  The answer lies in the Three Ts: Timing, Tenacity and Tanking.  In fact, you could leave out Timing and Tenacity and the result would probably be the same.  And add Tonnes, as in Tonnes of money to Chris Judd for being a Visy Ambassador.  If the Eliott years taught the Blues anything, it is how to be smarter about stacking your list.  The result: so far this season Ratten, a former Blues champion, has out coached former club champions Michael Voss at the Lions and Nathan Buckley at the Pies.  Not too bad for a guy whose only qualification for the job was that he wasn’t Denis Pagan. Oh, and he was a mate of The Dog.

And one last thing – having learnt how to stack their list in an AFL approved way, the Blues have also learnt something else.  Something they learnt from the Pies – coaches don’t count in the salary cap.  Get as many as you like!!!  In fact, the Blues coaching box is so crowded, Ratts has been booted out and now has to sit on the bench during games.  He might want to talk to The Dog about that.

Coaching Staff

Senior Coach:

Brett Ratten

Senior Assistant Coach:

Alan Richardson

Assistant Coaches:

John Barker;

Gavin Brown;

Mathew Capuano;

Mark Riley;

Paul Williams

Brisbane Lions

There is an inherent danger in recruiting former club champions to fill the role of coach.  The danger, quite simply, is that champion players may, in fact, be atrocious coaches.  Bernie Quinlan was a legend for the Lions, winning two Coleman medals and a Brownlow.  His coaching record is less impressive.  In his one season as Lions senior coach, in 1995, he amassed the regrettable coaching record of two wins for nineteen losses.  It is no coincidence that one year later, at the end of 1996, the Fitzroy Lions were effectively binned by the AFL and had their identity stolen by the Brisbane Bears.

So how long is the memory of a Lion?  Not that long if we look at the appointment to the senior coaching role in 2009.  Michael Voss was always going to be a great emotional choice as Lions coach – he was a favourite son, had a Brownlow and was immediately identified with the Lions “Three-peat” premiership side of 2001 to 2003.  In fact, so tempting was the choice that the Lions board were happy to ignore the fact that Vossy had no coaching or assistant coaching experience at all.  And did it show?  Well the 2009 season was pretty good for Vossy, with the Lions finishing 6^th on the ladder with 13 wins for 8 losses.  Not bad.  But then Vossy had to turn his hand to recruiting . . . Want to know how to alienate a key forward and your Best and Fairest winner?  Offer them as trade-bait for a “troubled” forward, better known as The Fev.  The result: 2010 saw the Lions drop to 13^th on the ladder with 7 wins and 15 losses while season 2011 netted just 4 wins and 18 losses for 15^th position.  Vossy was entering some serious Quinlan territory (which Aka was more than happy to point out whenever asked).   

So what of 2012?  We will have to wait and see but after four rounds the Lions already have half the wins they had for the whole of last season.  No doubt the inclusion to the coaching panel of Mark Harvey will help as will the return of Gary O’Donnell.  But the rest of the assistant coaching panel look like the Lions drew the short straw.  Shane Woewodin?  Does anybody remember his time at Collingwood??? And isn’t Adrian Fletcher famous for having played or coached at every AFL club at least once?  Whatever happens this seasons, the Lions coaches need a finals finish to avoid both a complete shake up of the department and a long winded Aka eulogy.  And I think we’ve all had enough Aka of late.

Current coaching staff

• Senior Coach: Michael Voss
• Assistant Coaches:

·         Mark Harvey

·         Jamie Charman

·         Gary O'Donnell

·         Shane Woewodin

·         Adrian Fletcher

Adelaide

Footy is BACK!!! And so is the Gripper.  This season the Gripper will look inside every coaching box in the AFL and come to grips with the characters that make the team tick.  This week: 

Adelaide . . .

Having wowed the press gallery with his stand-up routine for 8 seasons, Neil Craig, Adelaide’s longest serving coach, was told it was time he took his comedy act on the road.  Which, luckily for Melbourne fans he did, assisting them to some of the funniest results the Demon’s have posted in quite a few years. And so it is that the Adelaide Football Club finds itself one of many clubs in 2012 starting the season with a new coach. 

Brenton Sanderson comes to Adelaide via playing stints at Adelaide, Collingwood and Geelong and Assistant Coaching stints at Port Adelaide and Geelong through its premiership years.  Not a favourite for the job, Sanderson had to beat hot contender Scott Burns as well as local hero and Assistant Coach Mark Bickley.  In selecting Sanderson, the Crow’s board said ‘‘He has the skills, experience, plans and personal qualities” for the job.  Which is a not-so-polite way of saying they thought Mark Bickley had no skills, no experience, no plans and no personal qualities. We can only guess that Scott Burns turned up to the interview in a Port Adelaide jumper.

Not one to intellectualise the game, Sanderson’s approach is simple: kick the ball long, over the defensive zones, to a marking contest.  Sounds like a good theory until you watch an Adelaide game and realise that this game plan could do for Kurt Tippet what it did for Warrick Capper at the Swans and the Fev at the Blues: turn a rolled-gold bogan into a star. Sporting the kind of mullet that even Steve Kernahan rejects, expect Tippet to start popping up on the Footy Show with occasional appearances at the Adelaide Magistrates Court.

Rounding out the coaching panel are Assistant Coaches Mark Bickley, Darren Milburn and Scott Comporeale.  While all are former premiership players, they each bring something unique to the coaching table. Milburn and Bickley can use their experience to teach half the team how to knock guys heads off while they’re not looking, while Campo is the designated “Seagull Coach”, teaching players to effectively hang around packs screaming “Mine! Mine!”.

Senior Coach
Brenton Sanderson

Assistant Coaches
Mark Bickley
Scott Camporeale
Darren Milburn

Strategy and Innovation Coach
Dean Bailey

Pro-scout/Analyst
Rob Harding

Development and Analysis Advisor
Mark Upton

Senior Performance Analyst
Steven Edgecomb

Performance Analyst
Brock Wiseman