This week the Gripper has decided to give a tutorial on how to be a footy journalist. But not just any journalist, the Gripper wants to teach you how to be the best. And when we talk about the best only one name springs to mind: Caroline “Caro” Wilson.
There are four firm rules you have to follow if you want to write like Caro:
1. Always sneak in a point about what a great job Andrew Demetriou is doing;
2. Always be critical of the way clubs are run, unless the club is Richmond;
3. Always find a way to have a go at Mick Malthouse;
4. Don’t bother to interview sources – if you need to support a point you have made up just make reference to “senior figures at the club”, or start a sentence with “It is plain that . . .”.
Another technique favoured by super-journalist Caro is to watch a press conference, and then write about it as if you were the only person who spotted some hidden subtext that supports your thesis. Using all of these tips, you too should be able to churn out top notch journalism just like Caro.
To show you how it’s done, I’ll use as an example the topic of over-weight footballers. The issue needs a “goodie” and a “baddie”. Caro is a goodie, so she will like over-weight footballers. It’s unlikely that someone other than Aka will just come out and say they don’t like overweight footballers, so Caro’s skill is weaving her word magic until she’s invented a baddie. Using the techniques we talked about before, here’s an example of how to ‘Caro-fy’ the issue:
Mick Malthouse looked visibly uncomfortable at the press conference, his usually calm and inexpressive face twisted and contorted. It was obvious that he was pressured into this interview by some senior figures at the club. While he clearly stated that he supported over-weight players, it is plain that his actions told another story. Several times throughout the interview he reached out for a glass of water sitting proudly at the centre of the table – the message to all was clear: I hate fat people. It is a message that is sure to strike at the heart of Andrew Demetriou who has fought a valiant campaign to free all over-weight people from stigmatisation. So far, only Richmond has answered Demetriou’s call.
I suppose you’re now wondering how you get a full article out of the paragraph above? Well it’s easy – you just repeat it four or five times, with a few changes. Maybe mix up the senior figures at the club a bit. Include some rhetorical questions that don’t bear much relationship to what you have written. Steal some superlatives from Greg Baum (he’s got so many he’ll never notice). And write about yourself a lot, like this:
Watching the interview it was hard not to feel uncomfortable, not for Mick Malthouse, but for Andrew Demetriou who has worked so hard to build a competition that is the envy of the world. Senior figures at the club appeared baffled and bemused by Malthouse’s performance, one of them appearing completely exasperated when describing the press conference as “nearly finished”. Is this the sort of behaviour the AFL should accept from a senior coach? Is this what the competition has been reduced to? Having been to many of these press conferences before, I can safely say I have seen none like it before. It may have gone by unnoticed had Richmond not tackled the issue with such grace and poise only several weeks earlier.
And then end with a bold demand:
The AFL needs to act decisively on this issue. If Malthouse will not admit what the world and several senior figures at the club can plainly see – that he hates fat people and wishes they were all dead – then senior figures at the club need to act. This is an issue that the clubs simply can no longer ignore.
And you’re done!! Hand it in to your editor (who will no doubt give it the title “The Elephant in the Room” or “Mick’s Weighty Issue”) and collect your pay check. Your working day is done!
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