Western Bulldog

The Western Bulldogs have a long and proud history of being hardworking, lovable, ugly bogans.  Not the most successful team, and certainly not the most attractive, the Bulldogs have won a place in the hearts of footy fans for being the perpetual underdog – the team that never gives up despite the fact that its only premiership win was way back in 1954, it is constantly flat broke and its number one ticket holder is Julia Gillard.  And just like the party that Julia leads, every time they look like they are on the verge of success they find some spectacular and unique way to snatch failure from the jaws of victory. 

Not so long ago, though, the Bulldogs hit on a plan to improve not only their on-field fortunes but to lift the intellectual and aesthetic tone of the club.  In short, they decided to draft in Aka.  Aka is not only the greatest footballer on two legs but he’s a one-man PR department, an intellectual powerhouse and knows all there is to know about building a winning team culture (having destroyed one at the Lions).  As far as recruits go, Aka was going to do for the Bulldogs what Cheryl Kernot had done for the ALP (except for the part about sleeping with Gareth Evans).  Here is a rough sketch of Aka's time in the red, white and blue:

• Aka writes thoughtful, intelligent descriptor of his coach, Leigh Mathews, as a “fuckwit” on the Akermanis website.
• Aka horrified to discover people read his website.  Blames the offending post on his brother, whose actions in posting what Aka dictated to him also presumably horrify Aka.
• Aka and Leigh agree they are no longer mates.
• Aka joins the Bulldogs for the 2007 season.
• Aka writes thoughtful, intelligent article on why a West Coast opponent who out ran him must be a drug cheat.
• Aka horrified to discover any 13-year-old footy fan with Google could work out he was talking about Michael Braun.
• Aka horrified that Channel 7 dared to name the player Aka was happy to slander by innuendo.  Aka issues heartfelt apology that spends the first three paragraphs outlining why Aka is such a good bloke.
• Aka writes thoughtful, intelligent article on why poofs shouldn’t play footy, or should at least stay in the closet.
• Aka horrified to discover that the Herald Sun included phrases in his article that the Bulldogs found inflammatory.
• Aka horrified at suggestion that he misled the Bulldogs when revealed the Herald Sun didn’t add any phrases to his article.
• Aka horrified by the suggestion that he is not supporting the team above his media commitments and is breaching team confidences.  Tells Sam Newman all about it.  Sam Newman tells the world.
• Aka horrified to learn that the Bulldogs could work out he was shit-canning them to Sam Newman.
• Aka and the Bulldogs agree they are no longer mates.
• Aka launches one-man crusade to save local footy.  Rumoured to be starting a PR firm with Mark Latham called “Conga Line of Fuck Wits”.  Just a rumour.

All of which led to the Bulldogs having to have a good hard look at themselves.  If Aka had taught them anything, it was that recycled premiership winning trouble-prone forwards would not ultimately lead to on-field success and should be avoided at all costs.  Unless their name is Barry Hall, in which case it’s worth a punt, isn’t it?