Sydney

It has long been recognised by scientists and other nerds that Melbourne is the best city in Australia. As proof, the scientists point to the fact that Melbourne has one cafe to every two people in the State of Victoria. Nick Cave is from Melbourne as are the Minogue sisters (hasn't Dannii done well lately?). But probably the single most conclusive proof of Melbourne's greatness is the fact that it is home to the AFL and the birthplace of footy.

Sydney has always been jealous of Melbourne. Like a tantrum prone second child, Sydney had to have whatever toys Melbourne had. Melbourne had the wave pool at MSAC, Sydney had to have Bondi Beach. Melbourne had Festival Hall, Sydney had to have the Opera House. And Melbourne had footy so Sydney had to have a team too.  Being the slower sibling, Sydney couldn't just make its own footy team. It had to chuck a mega wobbly until Uncle Edlestone agreed to lure South Melbourne up North with the promise of cheerleading Swanettes and tight shorts. Melbourne, thinking Sydney would soon grow tired of its new toy, agreed to let the Bloods set up home in the city best known as the birth place of Scott Cain, winner of the third and last season of Pop Stars.  Thus the Sydney Swans were born.

And the Sydney story may well have ended there, if not for one very important fact: Paul Roos hates Andrew Demetriou.  Having watched the AFL kill off his beloved Fitzroy, Roos was determined that dim-witted Sydney would show big brother Melbourne how it was done – and at the same time give a two fingered salute to the man Roos likes to call “that $#@% ^^$#@# %$#% in Melbourne”.  And so it was that a Roos coached Sydney, playing the ugliest football since Wayne Weidemann and Danny Southern put on boots, managed to not only win a flag but for a very, very brief period wiped the smirk off Demetriou’s 2.2 million dollar face.  That is why it is now considered OK in some parts of Melbourne to admit that Sydney is not too bad after all.